A Little Calmer Asks...What if we're trying to be too many people at once?

Learning to Be Present: What if we're trying to be too many people at once?

I have been having counselling recently to support me in navigating a difficult time in my life. During a recent session, I stumbled across a realisation which has changed the way I think about what it means to 'Be Here Now'. So much advice about mindfulness encourages us to live in the present, but until recently I'd never quite understood how. It's a phrase I've often found inspiring, but also strangely unreachable.

Throughout my life I have found myself stepping into different versions of myself depending on who I'm with, as I think we all do, to some extent. I don’t mean that I have multiple personalities, I mean that I am a different person to different people. I am one version of me when I am a mother, another version of me when I am a daughter, another when I am a wife, another when I am a friend, another when I am a business owner, another when I am a therapist, another when I am a sister and another when I am just me. I realised that perhaps the answer to moving towards finding joy is to allow time to be all those people but to stop trying to be all of them at once, to fully immerse myself in whichever version of me I am in that moment.

I used to love acting and drama at school, my best friend considers me to be very ‘dramatic’, however perhaps this was because it was where I felt the most able to be calm, as I was focused on that specific role and was able to shut out all of the rest. Looking back, perhaps that wasn't because I enjoyed pretending to be someone else. Perhaps it was because, for a little while, I had permission to be just one person.

I don’t think it’s possible to keep all these personas completely separate from one another, I certainly don’t want to stop being a wife when I’m being a mother and at no point do I want to stop being me, however if I give myself permission to embrace those personas in the moment will I find more joy? It makes sense to me that I will get far more out of an interaction with my son if I absorb myself into giving him my full attention as his mum, whenever I have the opportunity to do so. Perhaps the greatest gift I can give the people I love isn't more of my time, but more of my attention.

As I write this, I’m happy to find I have used the term ‘opportunity’ when considering this realisation, as it helps me to come at this new understanding from a perspective of gratitude. Through this process, I find myself moving into a place where I can fully be a mother, to give my son my full attention when we have time to be together and when he wants to engage with me. I have stopped saying hang on a minute or half hearing him, and in response we have found a new relationship of trust and honesty. I am learning to be fully a wife, able to see and hear my husband unconditionally and to allow him to see and hear me as his wife. I have embraced being a daughter and showing love and kindness to my poorly dad, as he finds his own path to accepting that his life is coming to an end, and learning to be gentle, supportive and honest with my mum, while she, and I, navigate this journey in our own ways. I am also remembering to put time aside to allow myself to fully be me and to explore my own experience, committing to health and wellbeing for my own body and mind.

It's also made me think differently about the people I meet through A Little Calmer. Whether someone comes for Reiki, an Indian Head Massage or a workplace wellbeing session, they often tell me the same thing: "I didn't realise how much I needed that." Perhaps what they're really noticing isn't just relaxation, but the rare experience of being fully present for a few moments, without the constant pull of everything else they need to be and do. I wonder if this is what so many people are searching for when they book a Reiki session or an Indian Head Massage and tell me they feel overwhelmed or they can’t switch off. They're not looking to escape their lives; they're looking for a few precious moments where they only need to be one person.

These reflections come from my own experiences of trying to navigate modern life and find that elusive work-life balance, and from my work as the founder of A Little Calmer, where I support individuals and workplaces through Reiki, Indian Head Massage and workplace wellbeing sessions. Every conversation, every connection and every experience teaches me something new, and this one taught me so much it led me to want to share it.

So, I end with a thought around the theory of ‘Be Here Now’. I would like to learn how to ‘Be Here Now’, to fully immerse myself in each moment. As I sit here typing, I am listening to the trees blowing in the wind and the birds singing, I can feel the warmth of the sun heating the room and the cool breeze on my skin. I have had time today to be with my Dad, catch up with a friend on the phone and enjoy lunch with my Mum. I have given myself permission to pause. Soon, life will go on, and I am looking forward to all that it brings.

My dad has a saying: "If you have a mother, cherish her with care, as you'll never know her value until you see her empty chair." Perhaps that's what being here now really means. Not waiting until life changes to appreciate what is right in front of you, just being aware of the moment you're living today and the people you're living it with.

Life can be really hard, but these past few weeks I have grown a little. I look forward to seeing what comes of that; whether this new little branch of understanding will blossom and spread, or simply not take root, leaving room for new growth.

This Week's A Little Calmer Moment

Before you go, without looking for anything extraordinary, notice five beautiful things around you.

Perhaps it's the way the light falls across the room.
The warmth of your mug.
The sound of birds outside.
A plant reaching towards the window.
The feeling of your feet on the floor.

Nothing has changed.
Except where your attention is.

Sometimes joy isn't something we find.
Sometimes it's something we notice.

If this resonates with you, you may be interested in the rest of my series, A LIttle Calmer Asks...

Read my post 'A Little Calmer Asks...Why can't I swithch off?' here

claire@alittlecalmer.co.uk

07590 839312

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