When Self-Care Becomes One More Expectation

In a world where women are juggling careers, caregiving, relationships, and personal goals, the concept of self-care was supposed to offer relief. Take time for yourself. Recharge. Fill your cup. But I feel like somewhere along the way, what began as a path to wellness has started to feel like another item on an ever-growing to-do list.

Having come from a generation that didn't have the concepts or terminology of self care or wellness in mainstream life, I embrace the idea that we should take time out for ourselves, however it's starting to feel a little like these days it isn’t just encouraged, it’s expected, and it is supposed to look and feel a certain way. With the intention of empowering women to take more time for themselves, are we actually inadvertently adding to the daily pressure women already face?

Self-care has become a buzzword in the modern world and, at its heart, it’s about giving yourself permission to rest, to heal, and to nourish your body and mind. For women especially, it has been framed as an essential antidote to burnout, stress, and overwork and about prioritising yourself. I often hear the phrase 'you can't pour from an empty cup' which sets out to encourage women to ensure they have taken care of their own needs first. However, does this create yet another opportunity for women to add more guilt to the ever growing list of things we are supposed to be good at and are struggling to achieve? When we find we haven’t had time to rest, recharge, and refill our own cup, are we, in turn, unable to provide the best care to those we’re trying to support, and in doing so, are we left feeling that we are letting both them and ourselves down?

As a modern woman I am so grateful to our predecessors who we have strived for equality in the workplace, the right to vote, the same opportunities as men. However, in this fight for equality we have neglected to remove from our list of expectations all the care giving we have always done as women, therefore, although as women we are often told that we can have it all, it seems that we are also being asked to do it all. Between careers, caregiving, emotional labour and the mental load of everyday life, our time and energy are already in short supply, and now, layered on top of those demands, is the expectation to also prioritise self-care: to meditate, to exercise regularly, to journal, to unplug, to take personal days, to maintain mental wellness—all while staying calm, balanced, and grateful.

These can all be valuable practices of course but are the practices we are being sold actually providing tools to support us or is self-care becoming yet another area where women feel they’re falling short? Does the consumerism around wellness now imply that if you’re struggling, you’re not doing enough to prioritise yourself or help yourself? That if you're anxious or overwhelmed it's because you haven’t found the right routine, ritual, or supplement? The term 'living your best life' adds yet further pressure to women to not only identify what their best life should look like but, if they are not achieving this, to feel inadequate and to apply additional guilt or pressure to get there. When did it become so important to be the 'best'? When did it stop being ok to just have a bad day or to find things hard without having a plan to fix it? I suspect this was when there became an expectation to document every action we take on social media, provided it shows us in the best possible light, and have as many people as possible validate it.

Ironically, it seems the more we are encouraged to live “well,” the more we risk adding to the very load we’re trying to lighten.

What If Self-Care Meant Doing Less?

A few years ago I practised mindfulness every day and the benefits it brought to my life were palpable and I genuinely miss how doing this made me feel. However, this was when I was trying to conceive my son. Although I had commitments and responsibilities, I was really struggling with my mental health, so I prioritised time every day to practice a technique which was hugely instrumental in managing the fertility challenges we faced and the two years of IVF treatments which we endured, bringing with it a rollercoaster of emotions and challenges of it's own. Mindfulness was vital to me then and I made time for it. However, once we were lucky enough to be blessed with our son, everything changed, and despite the best of intentions, my mindfulness sessions became the lowest thing on my list of priorities and finding 10 minutes in a day seemed an impossibility. I suddenly found that if I had 10 mins free there were a hundred other things that needed to be done first...and this is how it has remained.

Most days now I wake up with the intention to make time to sit for even just 10 mins and do some mindfulness or connect with Reiki, or to make time to go for a short walk, however when push comes to shove, these are the things that drop off the to do list first and I'm lucky if I manage a 5 minute mindfulness session once a week or to combine a 'walk' with just going somewhere I have to go anyway. I feel lucky each and every day to have been blessed with the life I have, however I was not prepared for the fact that I would no longer have any time which was just my own when I became a working mum. Ironically, I'm fully aware that even the time I'm putting into writing this has taken priority over my self care time, however I'd like to consider this to be similar to journaling and therefore self care in a different form...when I was a child we called it writing a diary and kept it locked, now we call it blogging and share it across the whole world!

So perhaps we need to re-evaluate what we mean and how we talk about self-care, not as another form of self-improvement, but as a form of self-acceptance. My mum and I recently discussed the topic of achieving enlightenment and the fact that if you look closely, generally those who achieve 'enlightenment' in life are single, male and have no responsibilities or dependants. It is rare for a woman to have time to achieve 'enlightenment' yet we suddenly find we feel like we should in order to live our 'best lives'.

So what if enlightenment could just be about listening to yourself? That may be listening to your body and introducing a daily exercise routine that may not be long but is consistent, or it may be about giving yourself permission to not achieve an intention every day and to not beat yourself up for it. For some, it might be cancelling plans without guilt, sitting quietly with a cup of tea, or simply asking for help. True self-care doesn’t always look like doing more. True care is about reconnecting with the things that make us feel happy; putting some music on and dancing around the kitchen when you're cooking dinner, singing along to your favourite album played full blast in the car on your way somewhere, carrying a book with you so if you find yourself waiting for a period of time you don't automatically go to your screen to 'kill time', or simply allowing yourself to sit quietly if you are waiting and listen to the birds or listen to some relaxing music. Sometimes, it’s about letting go of the expectation we put on ourselves. For many of us I suspect it's also about not feeling guilty!

The real purpose of self-care is not to make us more productive or more resilient—it’s to help us feel more whole and at peace.

My mum says: "Well said Claire. Wellness is definitely becoming an industry. It reminds me of the diet Industry which makes millions out of selling diets and diet foods while the world gets fatter! If anyone dared to write the definitive book on self- care there’d be no market for the next one and no self respecting self help book writer wants that!

Seriously though. You’re right that it’s just adding another layer of stress on lives which are already stressed. What’s wrong with making your daily walk somewhere you had to go anyway, but really enjoying the process and staying in the moment while you walk? That counts as meditation for me.

Just to finish, and as a comment on the pressure Claire has talked about I would like to share a poem by a Buddhist teacher sent to me by a very wise colleague and friend."

Enlightenment

Is not separate from

Washing dishes or growing lettuce

Learning to live each moment

Of our daily life deeply

In mindfulness

And concentration

Is the practice

Thich Nhat Hanh

A Gentle Invitation

If you’ve ever felt that taking care of yourself feels like just another pressure, you’re not alone. What would it look like to give yourself permission to not do all the things today? What if “good enough” was truly enough?

As a little gift to support your self-care journey I have put together a guide to self massage, using techniques from Indian Head Massage, which puts the power to heal yourself in your own hands. You can download it here, I hope you enjoy!

With best wishes,

Claire & Marion x